Yoda in Other Movies: SPARTA, THIS IS!

Yoda in 300.

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Yoda in Other Movies: My Boomstick, This Is!

Yoda in Army of Darkness

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Sir Patrick William Wightman – A Portrait of a Man (Knighthood Pending)

White Lake, New York. The year? One thousand, nine hundred, and sixty nine. 500,000 music enthusiasts, hippies, burn-outs, orgy goers, groupies, druggies, and rockers gathered for a celebration. A celebration of peace. A celebration of music. This was Woodstock. Many know not the truth of what happened at this festival. The truly momentous events of this iconic weekend have been swept under the rug by those who wish us not to know; us mere mortals cannot truly comprehend the magnitude of what the Gods have done at this time. This is the truth of Patrick William Wightman’s existence…

As the 500,000 music enthusiasts, hippies, burn-outs, orgy goers, groupies, druggies, and rockers rocked out with the cocks out (not a funny phrase, there was a lot of rock and a lot of… exposed penis), the powerful music of artists like Arlo Guthrie, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills Nash & Young, and Joe Cocker attracted much more attention than that of the entire country; more attention than that of the entire world. In the Heavens above, Odin bellowed a generous laugh.

“What a festival!” Odin cried as he began to tap his godly toes. “The Greatful Dead is among the tasty-est jams among the Mid-Ground.” He began to dance a joyous dance when his good friend Zeus, a god from a different type of mythology, entered his palace wering a tye dye t-shirt in a hurry.

“Odin! Odin!” he cried as he ran towards the throne. “We need to get down there right fucking now! There’s ale, and titties, and all kinds of mystical herbs!”

Odin thought for a moment, and paused. He looked up to his friend, and clapped his hands, and was lost in a cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared, Odin was wearing a drug rug sweater, with a daisy in his hair.

“Wonderful, friend! Wonderful! We will have a glorious time and remember it until the end of the cosmos!” Zeus exclaimed. And with that, they carried on to the gates of the Heavens. However, upon their departure, they discovered a weary and muddy Jesus Christ stumbling back into the gates of he Heavens.

“Jesus Christ! What happened to you, Jesus Christ?” Odin inquired.

“I have visited the festival you seek to visit yourselves. Take caution my mythological friends, shit’s fucked down there. I can’t remember a thing.”

“This will not do!” cried Zeus. “I wish to remember this weekend for the rest of our godly existence!”

“Then I wouldn’t drink anything, eat anything, take anything, or do anyone. Because that’s surely the only way you will remember the glory that is Woodstock.” Jesus cautioned.

“This is horse shit!” whined Odin. “We wish to have the experience all those mortals are having!”

Then Zeus stopped and stared at his friend with a smile. “I’ve an idea, old friend. I will summon the goddess of childbirth from my mythology and we will request she bear us a child. We will use this child to chronicle the entire time period, that way if we don’t remember all the sex, drugs, and rock and roll, we can hear all about it from this child-archive.” Odin bellowed another glorious laugh in excitement.

“Shit, wish I thought of that.” pouted Jesus. Zeus whipped out his iPhone 4, and began texting the goddess. The following is the conversation they had:

Zeus: Hey baby where you at?

Artemis: Heyyy sexi, at Shiva’s playing beer pong, Where r u?

Zeus: Shiva’s? pssh come to odins. jesus is here, he brought 4loko.

Artemis: hahaha 4loko? Oh god. Who else is there?

Zeus: Me! Who else does there need to be? 

Artemis: Who are you guys doing?

Zeus: 😉

Artemis: *What, sorry, fucking auto-correct

Artemis: …. this is a booty call isn’t it?

Zeus: What? No, we just wanted you to come over!

Against her better judgement, Artemis went to Odin’s. She appeared in a flash just as Jesus was turning water into 4loko. Artemis looked at Odin and Zeus who were all ready to go to Woodstock. She looked down at the festival, and then finally over to Jesus.

“Oh, I get it.” She sighed. “Fine, make it quick!” Zeus and Odin danced a victorious dance. Zeus stood adjacent to Artemis and stood her up straight. He took a step back, and crouched down. Zeus paused and muttered to himself.

“Make it quick Zeus, I have shit to do” Artemis insisted.

Zeus’s eyes turned a glowing red, and he stared directly into Artemis’ might womb. Within moments, Artemis went from her normal self, to nine months pregnant, to having a small child in hand. She handed him the child and began to walk away.

“Here, one archive demi-god. Next time, just ask me. I’m the goddess of childbirth, not the goddess of the walk of shame.” With that she was gone. Odin cleared a spot through the clouds of the Heavens overlooking the festival. Zeus laid the child next to the opening and commanded to him:

“Learn everything you can, child. Watch the festival and the surrounding time period diligently. Daddy’s going to need an accurate record of everything that happens.” The young boy nodded and looked down upon the festival, beginning to load his head up with nothing but Bob Dylan, the Greatful Dead, and the like. He watched as Zeus and Odin ventured down and began doing many a drug, dancing many a dance, having sex with many a women (and accidentally a dude). By the end of the festival Zeus and Odin were passed out. They had damaged their godly bodies so much, they fell into a deep, deep slumber. But as they slept, the boy watched…

He witnessed the festival, and the rest of the 70’s. He backtracked and witnessed the 60’s for good measure. He became the greatest demi-god archive of the years spanning 1960 to 1979. Nearly two decades were stored in his brain, which for some reason or another was covered by an unruly jew-fro.

Many years passed before Zeus and Odin woke up. But of course, in the year one thousand, nine hundred, and ninety one, they eventually did. Groggy, hungover, and riddled with herpes, they ate a greasy breakfast at the diner down the road from Odin’s palace and showered off the mud and shame.

Whilst they consumed waffles, pancakes, eggs, and homefries, they discussed what had happened.

“I can’t recall a thing!” Odin said.

“Nor can I! Wait! Our archive child! surely he listened when I commanded him to remember everything of that time period!” They rushed to the boy, who not only informed the gods of their shenanigans, but was ready to tell them everything; from how many albums The Who recorded, to Jim Morrison’s favorite snack, right down to how often Bob Dylan shaved his pubes.

The gods were thrilled; their plan had worked.

Odin yelled in excitement “Let’s take a peek at the world now, and see if we can’t possibly have another go!” The gods cleared another spot in the clouds, and looked down. They were horrified at what they had found.

They looked to the world and found:

This.

And this.

And they nearly shit themselves when they saw this.

The gods were appalled. They could not understand how things got so bad.

“I don’t understand how things got so bad!” pleaded Odin. “I don’t want to go visit that shit!”

“The world is an even more shameful place,” Zeus explained, “How can we rectify this.”

“If I may,” The Flying Spaghetti Monster interjected, “Perhaps, since you have already used the archive boy as you intended, send him to the Earth to rectify the situation. He can tell the people of how thing should be, and people will follow. Drop him in the epicenter of the world; New York City. That way more people will receive his message.”

Zeus and Odin agreed; The FSM was right. They shrugged and kicked the child through the opening in the clouds. Unfortunately, on his way down, the 8:15 a.m. flight from JFK to London nailed him dead on, altering his course. Instead of landing in the center of the world, New York City, he landed in Bumblefuck. New York.

He was taken in by a family of the name Wightman, and was raised never knowing his true purpose as the 60’s and 70’s archive to the gods.

And that is how Patrick William Wightman became of this Earth.

Thanks for the 1000th hit on the Prescription Pad, Pat!

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Top 10 Comic Book Finds

Once more, for those of you who know me, comic books function in my life in a similar way that cigarettes, food, and maybe even drugs function in other’s lives as a major vice. I say it proudly. As of this moment, I possess 782 comics. A lot of these are just on-going series that I read in place of actual literature in my life, but for the past year to two years, I’ve actually been collecting (more on that to come, be sure to check back to DHPP soon). Upon reorganizing them recently, I’ve pulled aside and kept extra-in-tact a whole bunch. So, why the hell not; I give you my Top 10 Comic Book Finds!

 

1.) Ultimate X-Men 75 (Written by Robert Kirkman and Art by Ben Oliver)

My pride and joy; this is the one comic that I value probably the most. This issue was what I consider my first comic. Randomly decided to buy it after seeing one of the X-Men movies at a Borders, and I was hooked. It was the first part of a story arch about Cable in the Ultimate Universe. I remember I had no idea what was going on, so I decided to start from the beginning of the series. I then realized this was a different continuity from the rest of the years upon years of X-Men comics, which led to my first issue of Uncanny, which led to everything else. What’s the expression? All down hill from here?

 

2.) Uncanny X-Men 137 (Written by Chris Claremont and Art by John Byrne)

One of my all time favorite covers, and one of my all time favorite issues. Got this one at Midtown Comics after a long and disappointing search; somehow took me forever to find. This was the last issue of the Dark Phoenix Saga, when Jean sacrifices herself to vanquish the Phoenix Force once and for all (……bahahahaha). I’ve always loved this cover because it was beautifully done, and I love one of the themes of the story which is demonstrated here.

 

3.) Uncanny X-Men 101 (Written by Chris Claremont and Art by Dave Cockrum)

This was another one I searched for for a very long time; became quite the quest, and when I found it I ended up with a pretty good story (inquire within). One of the most beautiful comic book covers I’ve ever seen, and one of the most iconic as well. First appearance of Phoenix, overall a great issue. Got this one at Tor Comics in Holtzville.

 

4.) Marvel Team-Up 74 (Written by Chris Claremont and Art by Bob Hall)

Do I really need to say anything? Spider-Man and the cast of SNL. John Belushi is on the gorram cover. Best. Comic. Ever.

 

5.) Uncanny X-Men 98 (Written by Chris Claremont and Art by Dave Cockrum)

Can you guess my favorite series to collect at this point? Another one that for some reason took me forever to find. Eventually nabbed it for $5 at Time Machine. Another favorite cover; I’ve always loved the X-Men vs. Sentinel stuff. One of the first few Uncanny stories I’ve ever read, and it’s a pretty good one. Takes place in NYC, sentinels, and you meet the X-Men on a more personal level as they are out on the town.

 

6.) Amazing Spider-Man 252 (Written by Tom DeFalco/Roger Stern and Art by Ron Frenz)

First ever appearance of Black Suit Spidey in Amazing Spider-Man (The first ever appearance being in Secret Wars 8). I’ve always loved the symbiote/Venom stuff, and I loved how this cover was colored, and how it paid homage to the first ever appearance of Spider-Man (in Amazing Fantasy 15). Bought this one at St. Marks Comics.

 

7.) Marvel Collector’s Item Classics 1 (Written by Stan Lee/Larry Lieber and Art by Jack Kirby and Arthur Adams)

This one is the oldest comic that I have (1965). Cool thing about this is that it collected a bunch of issues from that time, including Amazing Spider-Man 3, Fantastic Four 2, Tales to Astonish 36, and Journey Into Mystery 97. Got this at Amazing Comics in Sayville.

 

8.) Incredible Hulk 378 (Written by Peter David and Art by Bill Jaaska)

Look at this and try not to laugh. I stumbled upon this one in a 50 cent bin at St. Marks Comics, and laughed my ass off. Any time I need a good laugh I just take a look at this. Evidentially Santa is the most requested villain of all…

 

9.) Uncanny X-Men 141 (Written by Chris Claremont and Art by John Byrne)

Another one of the most iconic X-Covers of all time. This one is the first issue of the Days of Future, Past! story line. I’ve always loved old Wolverine on the cover, and the whole story is pretty great too; not a long read, just two issues.

 

10.) Uncanny X-Men 524 (Written by Matt Fraction and Art by Terry Dodson. Cover by David Finch!)

Second Coming was a great story arc many years in the making. I strongly suggest you check out Messiah Complex, all the issues that deal with Hope growing up, and then Second Coming. This issue was a really sad one; it contains Nightcrawler’s death. This issue is on here because it’s not often I buy a modern variant, but because the story hold my favorite character’s death, the cover is beautiful, and done by my favorite artist, David Finch, this one is defiantly on the list.

 

There you have it, my Top 10 Comic Finds. Hopefully within the near future some much desired issues will knock some of these other ones out coughcoughGiantSizeX-Men1coughcough

 

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Yoda in Other Movies: “Down the Drain, Seven Years of College Goes”

Yoda in Animal House

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“No Erik, You Did This” – A Review of X-Men: First Class

***SPOILER ALERT***

Well, here it is, the long awaited review of X-Men: First Class…

There is much to say, and not enough brain capacity to say it, so I will dispense with the great, big, long-winded, poetic-narrative introduction and start off my saying this one simple statement that I am so fucking happy I get to say…

I. WAS. WRONG.

When I say that this movie was fucking incredible, when I say that this movie is now in my Top 5 Movies List, hell, when I say that I consider this not a movie but a film, I stand by it whole heartedly.

Me being a huge fan of X-Men in any capacity (the other four shitty movies being the last on that list), and I finally felt like I was watching a true X-Men movie; guess the 5th times the charm, right? Where to begin…

Perhaps a very-basic-not-giving-away-suprises-and-details-plot-synopsis? X-Men: First class brings the story of how the X-Men began, including the birth of the twisted and complicated relationship between Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Erik Lehnsherr (Michael Fassbender). The film kicks off with many sections of the overall story; we see Erik in Auschwitz and Charles meeting Raven Darkholm (Jennifer Lawrence) and going to college. As the film continues, we learn that CIA agent Moria McTaggert (Rose Byrne) is discovering not only a plot to start another World War, but the fact that mutants exist when she sees with her own eyes the powers of Azazel (Jayson Flemming), Emma Frost (January Jones), and the leader of the Hellfire Club, Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon). Moria enlists the help of Charles and Raven, and together they meet Erik in an attempt to bring Shaw down. Now together, helping each other, and becoming like brothers, Charles and Erik begin hunting mutants to fight fire with fire, using Hank McCoy’s (Nicholas Holt) mutant power amplifier; aka Cerebro. After gathering a bunch mutants to their cause, and a surprisingly hilarious cameo, the ‘Gene Men’ are gathered; Havok (Lucas Till), Banshee (Caleb Landry Jones), Darwin (Edi Gathegi), and Angel (Zoe Kravitz), . Things being to heat up in Shaw’s plot, and it comes time to train and stop him from succeeding. This then leads to the best climax/epic-action scene/turning point in a movie ever. And I’ll stop there, the rest you really have to see.

I guess we could continue with the casting. Fucking. Perfect. James McAvoy was fucking fantastic. Michael Fassbender was fucking fantastic. Everyone in this movie was fucking fantastic. Honestly,  I can’t really say there was any weak link in the casting (except for maybe them not casting me as Beast… )

That was from NYCC 2010. Anyways, the point being, they really knocked it our of the park with the casting.

The characters were written beautifully. There wasn’t much left out from who they were and their interactions with each other. I was worried that this movie, much like the rest of the movies, that they were just throwing mutants at a script and not taking the time to develop them into characters we liked; i.e. Cyclops, Colossus, Gambit, need I go on? I can if I have to. But I was pleasantly surprised at how the audience got to experience the characters in a way that wasn’t just ‘Hey, I know blank from the comics, and he’s represented in the movie, cool I guess…’; we really spent enough time with almost all of them to grow to like them, exceptions being maybe Riptide and Azazel, but to be honest, they still served their purpose. Wait, strike that, they actually had a purpose. They did a very good job at making us understanding who was who, and why they were the way they were. I especially loved Charles’ character arch. I loved how they really added him discovering how his power works, and using his power morally. Xavier becomes almost an asexual character later on, much like Dumbledore is in Harry Potter. You almost seem him genderless, more of a god to guide you than a person, and I loved how they didn’t start with this. The interactions between the group of young mutants was very strong, and everyone had a fantastic chemistry on screen. In particular, McAvoy and Fassbender. Any time they were on screen together was pure cinematic gold. The bond the two characters grow was incredibly powerful, and made for a fantastic climax to the film (of course, in the inevitable scene where Erik- … well I forget, not everyone is a huge X-Fan, I’ll zip it). Everyone was well developed, everyone was spot on point, and incredibly cast.

The story was perfect. It was everything you’d want in an X-Men movie, but never got. It’s like they finally stopped and said to themselves ‘what’s terrible about these X-Movies and what if anything is good about them’ and took the good and used it for a movie. It made for an incredible origin story and an incredible film in general. So much so that it was a great film outside of the fact that it was a great X-Men movie. Be warned, the movie is two hours long, but its long in a way that it’s worth it; it allowed for more time to not cut corners as X-Movies usually do. The parallel scenes in the beginning were pretty awesome, it allowed for a great juxtaposition between Charles and Erik. The training montage was pretty awesome and I liked the comic book-y transitions. Everything in this movie complimented each other well, and when everything finally came together, it fucking came together! The huge Russia/USA/Hellfire Club/X-Men-showdown-climax of this film was incredible, and this is really where it was apparent that the filmmakers took a page out of the X-Men comics (yes, absofuckinglutly pun intended). It was an amazing transition from one medium to another. And the choice to warp the X-Men around the Cuban Missile Crisis actually panned out pretty well.

The production it self was pretty cool. I loved the art design, the choice to make the film set during the 60’s allowed for some interesting sci-fi-in-the-60’s stuff. And how is it possible that the costumes were fucking amazing in the 60’s but shitty in the 2000’s? I loved that homage to the original series.

So, I guess being a critical film major, I have to talk about the minor things I didn’t like… but a lot of them are me being a critical comic book geek…

I felt I could have used a little bit more Charles and Erik on screen time, maybe a little more of them debating about the fate of mutants, and a little more about what they agree on. I was very confused about Kevin Bacon’s character, and how he was old looking in the 40’s and then Kevin Bacon looking in the 60’s. Some of the effects weren’t amazing, and there are a few minor parts where this is obvious. I almost wish Moria doesn’t have her memory erased, because in the inevitable sequles, we could see so much more of their relationship (maybe even David…). To be honest, I’m almost fishing for issues with this movie. I can almost say that there are a lot of inconsistencies with the other X-Men movies, but honestly, I don’t give a crap. This movie was so incredible, and those weren’t.

Overall, see this movie. I stand by how much hype I’m giving it, because it for me really was that incredible. Moral of the story? 5th time is a charm, hoping the two sequels they plan to squeeze out of this are still kick ass.

I plan on actually paying to see this movie a second time… maybe even a third….

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My First Blog Review

Thank you Kurt Goodnight, in all your wonderful-taste-in-blog splendor.

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