Top 5 Fictional Items I Wish I Had

So here I am, in New York City in the heat of the summer working two jobs while pulling together a few different creative projects. The biggest conclusion I have drawn from this? There is not enough time in the day and I could use a hand. And coming off the heels of my recent exploration (obsession) into science fiction (thanks a lot Battlestar Galactica and Doctor Who…), I hit on the idea of this weeks top 5; I give you the Top 5 Fictional Items I Wish I Had. Coming to you from worlds beyond, times long past, and universes alternate, these are the items we all wish we could use on a daily basis…

1.) Lightsaber — Star Wars

“This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age.” — Yeah, okay, I know, this one is kind of a given. But there’s a reason it’s a given. I mean who actually saw Star Wars for the first time and -didn’t- immediately run to the toy store for one of their own? (I won’t lie, I had about 5 of them) A more advanced kind of weapon for a more advanced Jedi on the go. So maybe it wouldn’t be entirely practical in todays modern world (though maybe it would help with the slow walkers on my daily walking commute from 27th to 4th…), but defiantly something I wish I had.

2.) The Hitchhiker’s Guide  — The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

“In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopaedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.” — Knowledge of EVERYTHING, It’s like Wikipedia, only on an intergalactic scale! And it’s read to you by a charming and witty British man! What could possibly be better than that? When you read the actual book series, H2G2 reads weirdly like a bible (only, ya know, no where near as ridiculous); there are these short passages with questionable and hilarious morals; if you’ve never read, I highly suggest it.

3.) Sonic Screwdriver — Doctor Who

“Harmless is just the word: that’s why I like it! Doesn’t kill, doesn’t wound, doesn’t maim. But I’ll tell you what it does do: It is very good at opening doors.” — Granted, who looks as a screwdriver and goes, ‘Ohh, this could be a little more sonic’, but it’s great for getting cabinets finished in a pinch. The Sonic Screwdriver is a multifunctional tool. Most commonly used as a lockpick, it also can do medical scans, operate computers, reverse teleportation devices, make ATMs spit out cash, you name it. How easy life would be with one of these bad boys is almost unimaginable. Also, all you Doctor Who fans are probably bugging that the picture is of the Ninth and Tenth Doctor’s screwdriver and not the Eleventh, I haven’t gotten that far (please refer to number 5).

4.) Web Shooters — Spider-Man


Alright, my Spider-Man fandom has been a little weak, so no iconic quote that summarizes how epic web shooters are. But do I really need one? Maybe it’s just me, but I spend way too much time in my day wondering what my life would be like if I were Spider-Man. I mean, living in New York City, you can’t help but think how much more exciting commuting to places would be if you could swing there! Also good for grabbing the remote when its waaaaay over there.

5.)Time Turner — Harry Potter

“Three turns should do it.” — There simply is not enough time in the day, and this would help me out greatly. I mean, think about it. I could get full nights of sleep! I’d never be late to anything! I could watch as much Doctor Who as I want! (if you havent figure out by now that I’m currently obsessed with Doctor Who…) Granted, if used improperly, things could get… messy. But honestly, I wish I knew what a full night of sleep was like!

So I know what your thinking, and allow me to address your concerns. No, the Hover Board from Back to the Future did not make my Top 5. Why? Because have you ever seen me try and skateboard? It’s comedically tragic. “But Joe, what about the Invisibility Cloak?!”, you ask? Fun, I admit, but practically speaking all I would get to do is sneak up on people and look all ninja-y. Frankly I have an awful guilty conscience, would be wasted on me! “But Joe! Pokeballs!”, you may exclaim. If maybe that implied that Pokemon were real, okay fine. But it’s not, and I don’t care for the pigeons and squirrels of Union Square that much. “Well what about Hermionie’s Bag!”, you’ll insist. Well, yeah. That would have been number 6, and a bable fish would have been number 7, but it wouldn’t be much of a top 5 if there were 7 things would it?

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