The Top 5 Movie Dads — Father’s Day Special

Today is Father’s Day (How many of you reading this just stood up, said “shit!”, and ran off to CVS for a card?). Today we will be having the family over as per Fathers Day tradition, so even though I’m 100% sure my dad will be waking me up and driving me crazy in seven hours to get ready (I’ve been working on this all day Saturday), It’s important to remember today is ultimately the day that we take a step back and appreciate our father’s for everything they have done and continue to do for us. So, in honor of Father’s Day, I give you a new Top 5; The Top 5 Dads From Movies. The dads in films that we love to roll our eyes at and pretend they annoy us, the dads that are far wiser than us; the very best in cinematic paternity!

1.) Lorenzo Anello – (A Bronx Tale)

“Sometimes in the heat of passion, the little head tells the big head what to do, and the big head should think twice about what you are doing. ”  —  For me, this is a given for a Father’s Day Top 5, because this is one of the few movies my dad will watch more than once. It’s also almost like watching a movie with my dad in it, as most of the life lessons he’s taught me are verbalized from him from the movie (embarrassingly enough, please refer to the quote above). But all this aside, Lorenzo makes my list. An unrivaled example of an incredibly hard working person. A whole lot of tough love, but in all fairness, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.

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2.) Marlin the Clown Fish – (Finding Nemo)

“Hey, guess what. Sea turtles? I met one, and he was a hundred and fifty years old. ”  — Incredibly paranoid and incredibly un-funny, but a single father who literally crosses oceans to find his missing son. I mean, look at the odds this tiny little fish faces and the insane obstacles he overcomes! Sharks! Ocean currents! Fishermen! Whales! Ellen DeGeneres! Defies death and ventures far to find his wayward son.

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3.) Clark Griswold (Vacation Movies)

“We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye!”  —  The dad who all he really wants the absolute best for his family. Is a perfect whackjob-cousinless vacation too much to ask for? A legitimate Christmas bonus so he can buy his family a swimming pool is just too unreasonable? All he wants is the best, it’s not his fault it’s one tragically comedic disaster after another! Family togetherness, sentimental moments, and adventure is what he strives for… though maybe a little too much…

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4.) Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mockingbird)

“There’s a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep ’em all away from you. That’s never possible. ” — Another great example of a movie dad (all you literary freaks calm yourselves). Teaches his kids to stand up for what’s right over what’s wrong, to never judge someone by the color of their skin, and to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Wise, all knowing, and classy as fuck.

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5.) Darth Vader (Star WarsEmpire Strikes BackReturn of the Jedi)

“You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.”  —  Okay, I know I’m turning some heads here, but allow me to explain; lets look at the facts. The Emperor instantly views Luke as a threat; if you remember correctly Vader was the one who suggested he can be turned to the dark side. Yeah, okay, I know, the dark side is awful, but this isn’t anything other than Vader making an excuse to keep his son alive. Then what happens? Vader offers for Luke to take his side and run the galaxy! Yeah, okay, I know, the Vader/Skywalker administration would be oppressive and evil, but this isn’t anything other than Vader wanting Luke to spend time with him and join him in vigorous political scenarios! Maybe even a little bit of this. And then what happens? Vader says ‘fuck you’ to the Emperor and throws the ENTIRE GALAXY into political unrest and lawlessness to save his sons life, and to be his sons hero. Yeah, okay, I know, 45 seconds earlier they were battling on the Death Star II, but Vader is not a wimpy foe; Vader could have easily taken him out on Bespin in Empire Strikes Back. So Vader is misguided and he chokes people to death that question his authority, but he changes in the end. He learns his mistakes and becomes the best father he can be in the limited time he has left.

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Ultimately, these dads fucking suck. This is the film dad (if you count movies I haven’t made yet) that reins supreme:

The work ethic of Lorenzo, the balls of Marlin, the desire for the best of Clark, the worldliness and class of Atticus, and the… well something of Vader; Sorry dad, I’m not interested in opening Rivera and Son, the Intergalactic Starship Junk Yard I know you want to start so badly (Though I bet we’d make a killing selling Revolution Series hyperdrive motivators). Only my dads way better that these fictional schlubs, and odds are I’m only going to find out he’s right anyways.

To all fathers, especially mine, Happy Father’s Day.

Also dad, I’m not buying you a card. This is your Father’s Day card. I’d rather make a blog post to tell you how much we appreciate you than go to CVS and buy something that some window licker at Halmark thought sounded nice. And just because I know you enjoyed it so much the first time, here it is again.

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