So there’s been a lot of buzz about this preacher dude crunching numbers, and making prophecies, all that lead to the inevitable ‘fact’ that Rapture will begin this Saturday, and 5 months of Jesus and zombies will come next, followed by the end of the universe.
I’m still planning on seeing Hangover 2 next week. I also will continue my search for a job. Still going to book my flight to Dublin. I defiantly don’t mean to trash the belief that this will happen, because hey, if that works for you then great (great excuse to party). As a dedicated Pastafarian, I’m a bit more skeptic. But just in case, I’d like to be prepared. So I give you my ideal dream team for the Rapture, my crack squad of savvy sophisticates, my best case scenario stating line up. I give you, The Rapture Squad!
1.) Sigourney Weaver (Second in Command):
The most bad ass woman in any movie she’s in. You want someone who’s resourceful and intellegent? Lt. Ripley is your woman. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my many years of movie watching, it’s this; If Sigourney Weaver tells you to do something, you fucking do it!
2.) Malcolm Reynolds (Operations Planner)
The best man to have on any team. Always two steps ahead, even when he’s 3 steps behind and 1 to the left. If you watch Firefly and you’ll understand to the fullest extent why Mal is the best man for plans. He’ll take the worst situations and turn them right the fuck around (he also brings some dumb luck to the table).
3.) Dr. Egon Spengler (Science Expert)
Infinite knowledge. Infinite gadgetry. Infinite analogies to help me understand the exact severity of the situations we’re in (involving Twinkies).
4.) Ash Williams (Weapons Expert)
“Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?” The man’s got a chainsaw for a hand. ‘Nuff said.
5.) Han Solo (Transportation Expert) *includes Chewbacca
“She the ship that can make the Kessel Run in less than a parsect” Any pilot who can make a trip that has a definitive length in distance in less than that distance is the man. Best pilot in the galaxy; he may not look like much but he’s got it where it counts.
6.) Wolverine (Black/Special Ops)
Weapon X trained. Super sense of sight, smell, and hearing. Adamantium skeleton and claws. Healing factor. Sass. Perfect black/special ops guy. You need something done, he’s your guy.
7.) Bluto (Motivation/Comedic Relief)
Case in Point. “Cuz when the going get tough?………….The tough get going!”
8.) Colossus (Powerhouse)
Completely indestructible. Turns his entire body into a organic steel like metal that’s completely bullet proof, and for all intensive purposes completely unbreakable. Super heavy, and super strong, which means super hard to move.
9.) Jules Winnfield (The Black Guy)
Wouldn’t fuck with this guy. “Does he look like a bitch? Then why you trying to fuck him like one?”
10.) Dr. Bob (Medic)
A.K.A. Rowlf the Dog. Not at all practical, but would be fucking hillarious!
Yes, I’m aware that 9 of 10 are fictional characters, but lets be honest… so is this Saturday’s Rapture