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So here I am, in New York City in the heat of the summer working two jobs while pulling together a few different creative projects. The biggest conclusion I have drawn from this? There is not enough time in the day and I could use a hand. And coming off the heels of my recent exploration (obsession) into science fiction (thanks a lot Battlestar Galactica and Doctor Who…), I hit on the idea of this weeks top 5; I give you the Top 5 Fictional Items I Wish I Had. Coming to you from worlds beyond, times long past, and universes alternate, these are the items we all wish we could use on a daily basis…
1.) Lightsaber — Star Wars
“This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age.” — Yeah, okay, I know, this one is kind of a given. But there’s a reason it’s a given. I mean who actually saw Star Wars for the first time and -didn’t- immediately run to the toy store for one of their own? (I won’t lie, I had about 5 of them) A more advanced kind of weapon for a more advanced Jedi on the go. So maybe it wouldn’t be entirely practical in todays modern world (though maybe it would help with the slow walkers on my daily walking commute from 27th to 4th…), but defiantly something I wish I had.
2.) The Hitchhiker’s Guide — The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
“In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopaedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.” — Knowledge of EVERYTHING, It’s like Wikipedia, only on an intergalactic scale! And it’s read to you by a charming and witty British man! What could possibly be better than that? When you read the actual book series, H2G2 reads weirdly like a bible (only, ya know, no where near as ridiculous); there are these short passages with questionable and hilarious morals; if you’ve never read, I highly suggest it.
3.) Sonic Screwdriver — Doctor Who
“Harmless is just the word: that’s why I like it! Doesn’t kill, doesn’t wound, doesn’t maim. But I’ll tell you what it does do: It is very good at opening doors.” — Granted, who looks as a screwdriver and goes, ‘Ohh, this could be a little more sonic’, but it’s great for getting cabinets finished in a pinch. The Sonic Screwdriver is a multifunctional tool. Most commonly used as a lockpick, it also can do medical scans, operate computers, reverse teleportation devices, make ATMs spit out cash, you name it. How easy life would be with one of these bad boys is almost unimaginable. Also, all you Doctor Who fans are probably bugging that the picture is of the Ninth and Tenth Doctor’s screwdriver and not the Eleventh, I haven’t gotten that far (please refer to number 5).
4.) Web Shooters — Spider-Man
Alright, my Spider-Man fandom has been a little weak, so no iconic quote that summarizes how epic web shooters are. But do I really need one? Maybe it’s just me, but I spend way too much time in my day wondering what my life would be like if I were Spider-Man. I mean, living in New York City, you can’t help but think how much more exciting commuting to places would be if you could swing there! Also good for grabbing the remote when its waaaaay over there.
5.)Time Turner — Harry Potter
“Three turns should do it.” — There simply is not enough time in the day, and this would help me out greatly. I mean, think about it. I could get full nights of sleep! I’d never be late to anything! I could watch as much Doctor Who as I want! (if you havent figure out by now that I’m currently obsessed with Doctor Who…) Granted, if used improperly, things could get… messy. But honestly, I wish I knew what a full night of sleep was like!
So I know what your thinking, and allow me to address your concerns. No, the Hover Board from Back to the Future did not make my Top 5. Why? Because have you ever seen me try and skateboard? It’s comedically tragic. “But Joe, what about the Invisibility Cloak?!”, you ask? Fun, I admit, but practically speaking all I would get to do is sneak up on people and look all ninja-y. Frankly I have an awful guilty conscience, would be wasted on me! “But Joe! Pokeballs!”, you may exclaim. If maybe that implied that Pokemon were real, okay fine. But it’s not, and I don’t care for the pigeons and squirrels of Union Square that much. “Well what about Hermionie’s Bag!”, you’ll insist. Well, yeah. That would have been number 6, and a bable fish would have been number 7, but it wouldn’t be much of a top 5 if there were 7 things would it?
Today is Father’s Day (How many of you reading this just stood up, said “shit!”, and ran off to CVS for a card?). Today we will be having the family over as per Fathers Day tradition, so even though I’m 100% sure my dad will be waking me up and driving me crazy in seven hours to get ready (I’ve been working on this all day Saturday), It’s important to remember today is ultimately the day that we take a step back and appreciate our father’s for everything they have done and continue to do for us. So, in honor of Father’s Day, I give you a new Top 5; The Top 5 Dads From Movies. The dads in films that we love to roll our eyes at and pretend they annoy us, the dads that are far wiser than us; the very best in cinematic paternity!
1.) Lorenzo Anello – (A Bronx Tale)
“Sometimes in the heat of passion, the little head tells the big head what to do, and the big head should think twice about what you are doing. ” — For me, this is a given for a Father’s Day Top 5, because this is one of the few movies my dad will watch more than once. It’s also almost like watching a movie with my dad in it, as most of the life lessons he’s taught me are verbalized from him from the movie (embarrassingly enough, please refer to the quote above). But all this aside, Lorenzo makes my list. An unrivaled example of an incredibly hard working person. A whole lot of tough love, but in all fairness, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.
2.) Marlin the Clown Fish – (Finding Nemo)
“Hey, guess what. Sea turtles? I met one, and he was a hundred and fifty years old. ” — Incredibly paranoid and incredibly un-funny, but a single father who literally crosses oceans to find his missing son. I mean, look at the odds this tiny little fish faces and the insane obstacles he overcomes! Sharks! Ocean currents! Fishermen! Whales! Ellen DeGeneres! Defies death and ventures far to find his wayward son.
3.) Clark Griswold (Vacation Movies)
“We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye!” — The dad who all he really wants the absolute best for his family. Is a perfect whackjob-cousinless vacation too much to ask for? A legitimate Christmas bonus so he can buy his family a swimming pool is just too unreasonable? All he wants is the best, it’s not his fault it’s one tragically comedic disaster after another! Family togetherness, sentimental moments, and adventure is what he strives for… though maybe a little too much…
4.) Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mockingbird)
“There’s a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep ’em all away from you. That’s never possible. ” — Another great example of a movie dad (all you literary freaks calm yourselves). Teaches his kids to stand up for what’s right over what’s wrong, to never judge someone by the color of their skin, and to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Wise, all knowing, and classy as fuck.
5.) Darth Vader (Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
“You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.” — Okay, I know I’m turning some heads here, but allow me to explain; lets look at the facts. The Emperor instantly views Luke as a threat; if you remember correctly Vader was the one who suggested he can be turned to the dark side. Yeah, okay, I know, the dark side is awful, but this isn’t anything other than Vader making an excuse to keep his son alive. Then what happens? Vader offers for Luke to take his side and run the galaxy! Yeah, okay, I know, the Vader/Skywalker administration would be oppressive and evil, but this isn’t anything other than Vader wanting Luke to spend time with him and join him in vigorous political scenarios! Maybe even a little bit of this. And then what happens? Vader says ‘fuck you’ to the Emperor and throws the ENTIRE GALAXY into political unrest and lawlessness to save his sons life, and to be his sons hero. Yeah, okay, I know, 45 seconds earlier they were battling on the Death Star II, but Vader is not a wimpy foe; Vader could have easily taken him out on Bespin in Empire Strikes Back. So Vader is misguided and he chokes people to death that question his authority, but he changes in the end. He learns his mistakes and becomes the best father he can be in the limited time he has left.
Ultimately, these dads fucking suck. This is the film dad (if you count movies I haven’t made yet) that reins supreme:
The work ethic of Lorenzo, the balls of Marlin, the desire for the best of Clark, the worldliness and class of Atticus, and the… well something of Vader; Sorry dad, I’m not interested in opening Rivera and Son, the Intergalactic Starship Junk Yard I know you want to start so badly (Though I bet we’d make a killing selling Revolution Series hyperdrive motivators). Only my dads way better that these fictional schlubs, and odds are I’m only going to find out he’s right anyways.
To all fathers, especially mine, Happy Father’s Day.
Also dad, I’m not buying you a card. This is your Father’s Day card. I’d rather make a blog post to tell you how much we appreciate you than go to CVS and buy something that some window licker at Halmark thought sounded nice. And just because I know you enjoyed it so much the first time, here it is again.
First post since November; I’m quite the blogger aren’t I? Well the short of that story is it’s been a hell of a past ten months. I could get into it on here, but trust me when I say you’d want to take my work for it. My wallet runeth dry, my living habits are that of a vagabond, and, quite frankly, I could use a good lay.
My sister began reading High Fidelity the other day, and I am reminded of Rob Gordon and his… life. So I figured what better way to break off from the world of lawyers who blame their A/V guys and Long Island Rail Road Commuters who’d kill an infant for a seat than to break out a few of my own top 5’s. I give you the top 5 songs I listen to when I’m about to go on a rampage.
Many people listen to music they like when they are about to rampage; sometimes I just plain can’t. We all get frustrated beyond belief, don’t act like you don’t. So surely it may make some sense when I say that sometimes I just don’t want to fucking hear about the relationship problems of Counting Crows. Sometimes all I can listen to are songs that just get how I feel at the moment. Sometimes you have to welcome the frustration with open arms.
AND LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU FUCKING COMEDIANS. Playing Daniel Powter’s song Bad Day when someone is having an awful day is not fucking funny. You are not clever by doing this. You’re just a dick. And you’re not helping. Anyone. An action such as this should be punishable by shoving broken, lemon juice covered glass in your orifices.
1.) Under Pressure – Queen feat. David Bowie
There is something agreeable about this song to me. Maybe because it just kind of gets how I feel when, excuse the joke, I’m under pressure. I don’t know that this song make my worries or problems go away, but it certainly at least makes me feel like someone understand. And also I like David Bowie.
2.) Be OK – Ingrid Michaelson
Yes, I know. Chick music. (If you’re not down with the chick music then you may want to skip over number 4…) But when things are bad, you don’t need them to be great. Hell, you don’t even need them to be good. You just hope to all hell what everything will be just okay.
3.) Fuck You – Cee Lo Green
Yes, I know. Cee Lo Green. But honestly, fuck off. Nice song to remind myself that I’m great and fuck you. Also the back up girl in the green headband is smoking hot. the Alternatively, there is this…
And you know those chickens aren’t singing ‘forget you’. They are telling you to go fuck yourself.
4.) You Oughta Know – ….Alanis Morissette…..
Alright, I’m not going to pretend I’m proud of this one. But Alanis Morissette makes a hell on an angsty song. Yes, I know. Combine with my love of Joss Whedon and the fact that I’ve seen every episode of Sex and the City, my transformation to a whiney angsty post-grad girl from the 90’s in nearly complete. (Did I mention I’m completely straight?)
5.) It Sucks To Be Me (also What Do You Do With a BA in English?) – Avenue Q
I did say welcome it with open arms right? What’s better than singing a happy peppy song about how life sucks balls? It’s whiney and complainy and hilarious all at the same time. And it makes me feel a whole lot better about my life, because at least I’m not Gary Coleman. I like to listen to this one and change it to fit myself (i.e. ‘What do you do with a BA from Film School?’, or ‘so whyyyy don’t I have a girlfriend?’)
So sometimes life sucks. And sometimes you can’t pretend it doesn’t. We’re human after all; sometimes all we can do it put our hood up, pop on the headphones, and brood around a bit.
Took a short leave of absence from the prescription pad, but I’m back and better than ever!
With Halloween last week and today being the 5th of November, I was recently reminded of my tradition of watching certain movies on certain holidays every single year with out fail. These are the movies that through hell and high water I watch on these days of the year. I’ve had a ton of fun with these year in and year out, so here they are for your enjoyment…
February 2nd (Groundhogs Day)
“I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank pina coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over and over…” — A given. It’s calculated that during the course of the movie, Bill Murray’s character experiences 10 years worth of Groundhog’s Days. Another fantastic comedy thats got a great make you feel good ending.
February 14th (Valentine’s Day)
“In all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.” — Not only the greatest romance movie of all time, but the greatest movie in general of all time. No better way to spend Valentine’s Day watching the greatest romance movie ever.
You’ve Got Mail
“As far as I’m concerned, the internet is just another way of being rejected by women” — Real men love Nora Ephron. Fact. Gotta hand it to her, she can write a rom-com.
Sleepless in Seattle
“Well I saw Fatal Attraction and it scared the shit out of me! It scared the shit out of every man in America!” — At this point, I’m on a romance kick, and of course you can’t be watching Nora Ephron movies without this one. Another great one
At this point, it’s Valentine’s Day, I’ve spent all day inside alone watching movies and I’m depressed as balls. So Aliens really is the only smart decision.
March 18th (The day after St. Patrick’s Day)
“What’s the matter? The drug dealer at the liquor store didn’t turn out to be a nice guy?!” — If you did St. Patrick’s Day right, then there’s no better way to celebrate the next day. Why wallowing in your hangover when you can watch this and find solace in the fact that you can say ‘Wow, at least I didn’t pull my goddamn tooth out.’ Grab your ginger ale and your greasy ass food and chill out.
Dawn of the Dead
No better way to celebrate someone rising from the dead than with this zombie flick.
May the 4th (Star Wars Day)
May the Fourth Be With You!! Massive Star Wars marathon on this day every year. Order usually goes IV, V, VI, II, III… What? Am I missing one or something?
June 15th (Father’s Day)
“We’re going to be having so much fun, we’ll be whistling zipadeedooda out of out assholes!!” — One of film’s greatest dads. Man just want’s to take his family on a trip, is that so fucking hard?!
Another one of films greatest dads. The guy travels the world and faces sharks, and whales, and short attention spans to get his son back.
July 4th (Independence Day)
“Perhaps it’s fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom.” — Watch the link. The single most exciting and motivation speech in a movie. I used to have some issues with this movie, and still do. But goddamn is it exciting.
September/October?? (Yom Kippur)
“If you ever want to eat a sourkraut sammich again, you’re going to take your weinerschnitzel licking finger and point out here on this map where they’re hiding.” — I’m not Jewish, but I always seem to get off of work and class for this day. So hell, might as well watch a movie where Hitler gets shot in the face a bunch of times.
October 31st (Halloween)
“Lets show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown” — One of the funniest movies ever. One of my personal top 10 movies. Not much else to say, really. Every time I watch this movie I find something new to laugh at; genius in movie form. Every year you’ll catch me watching this, saying the same thing; “Did you know that John Belushi was originally who they had in mind for Peter Venkman? Can you imagine that?!”
“Being miserable and treating people like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right!”— By the time I finish Ghostbusters, I’m craving more. So naturally Ghostbusters II follows. Not as great as the first one, but still hilarious. Another movie that leads me to finding a new thing to laugh at every time I watch .
Evil Dead 2
“Groovy.” — Sam Rami’s finest work. Hot off the heels of Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 is a god awful B-zombie movie, but at the same time, it’s the greatest b-zombie movie there is. Pokes major fun at Evil Dead. Serious, terrible, hilarious, and incredible all at the same time. Don’t ever tell me Bruce Campbell is famous for Burn Notice. He isn’t, he’s famous for being Ash Williams and having a chainsaw for a hand.
V for Vendetta
“Remember remember the fifth of November, the Gun Powder Treason and plot. I know of no reason why the Gun Powder Treason should ever be forgot.” — This one’s a no brainer; no better way to spend the fifth of November, otherwise known as Guy Fawkes Day, than celebrating the movie adaptation of Alan Moore’s graphic novel tribute to Guy Fawkes. (I’ll be viewing this right after this is posted)
Back to the Future
“November 5th, 1955! The day I invented time travel!” — By far one of the greatest time travel epics of out time. I’m pretty sure it’s against the laws of physics to not like this movie. Personally one of my favorite movies; no matter how many times I see the movie, my heart starts racing at the end with the whole lightening debacle. If you’ve never seen this, I strongly suggest you stop everything in your life this very second and watch it… now!
November ?? (Thanksgiving)
Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas
“There’s children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads! They’re busy building toy, and absolutely no one’s dead!” — Quite simple; it’s not quite a Halloween movie and it’s not quite a Christmas movie. So really, it’s a Thanksgiving movie.
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
“I like me. My friends like me.” — Fantastic coming home for the holidays movie. Makes me cry like a little girl every time I see it.
December 25th (Christmas)
“Yippie-Kaie-Yay motherfucker!” — Yes. Die Hard is a Christmas movie. It just so happens that it’s also a kick ass guns and explosion action flick.
A full Christmas movie post is coming your way in a few weeks, hang tight.
December 31st (New Years Eve)
When Harry Met Sally
“I’ll have what she’s having.” — A great way to kick off the new year; a great make you feel good rom-com. Don’t understand what this movies about, should we forget we forget old friends? But if were remembering them than we had to have already forgot them. Well, anyways, it’s about old friends (watch the movie, you’ll get it).
**Special thanks to Patrick Wightman for Dawn of the Dead, Finding Nemo, and Planes Trains and Automobiles**
Holy Blog-Neglect Batman!
Yikes, it has been three months. Just imagine the opinions and thoughts I’ve had that I haven’t been expressing in blog form!
No worries, fellow patients! For the doctor is still in! Check back in a few days, and I’ll have something to cure your problems.
In the meantime, refresh your memory of the almighty prescription pad!